Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Maybe you worry about letting someone down or feel like it’s your job to keep everyone happy. While it might seem like the easiest way to avoid conflict, people-pleasing often leaves you feeling drained, invisible, and disconnected from your own needs.

 

At first, it might feel natural—like you’re being kind or keeping the peace. But over time, people-pleasing takes a toll on your emotional and physical well-being. As Sue Johnson explains, “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” By hiding your true feelings and needs, you might avoid short-term discomfort, but you lose the chance for genuine connection—with others and yourself.

 

If this resonates, you’re not alone. Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish; it’s about learning to prioritize your needs and reclaim your sense of self. Let’s explore what people-pleasing looks like, why it happens, and how you can take steps toward change.

 

What People-Pleasing Looks Like

 

People-pleasing can show up in ways you might not even notice, such as:

• Saying yes to things you don’t want to do because you’re afraid of disappointing someone.

• Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when it means staying silent about your feelings.

• Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

• Constantly seeking approval to feel worthy or accepted.

• Ignoring your own needs and feeling resentful or burned out as a result.

 

Sound familiar? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change.

 

Why We Fall Into People-Pleasing

 

People-pleasing often comes from a fear of rejection or a deep desire for acceptance. Maybe you grew up feeling like you had to earn love by being “good” or helpful. Or perhaps past experiences taught you that prioritizing others would keep you safe from conflict or criticism.

 

As Brené Brown reminds us, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” But when we try to make everyone happy, we often sacrifice our own authenticity.

 

Similarly, the authors of The Courage to Be Disliked share this powerful truth: “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” Prioritizing your well-being might mean facing disapproval from others—but it also creates space for a life where you can truly thrive.

 

How to Break Free from People-Pleasing

 

1. Get Clear on Your Needs

 

If you’ve spent most of your life focusing on others, it might feel hard to know what you want. Ask yourself:

• What activities or relationships make me feel energized and fulfilled?

• What situations leave me feeling drained or resentful?

• If I could say no to one thing this week, what would it be?

 

The authors of The Courage to Be Disliked remind us: “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither are other people living to satisfy yours.” Understanding your own needs is the foundation for breaking free from people-pleasing.

 

2. Start Small with Boundaries

 

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean big, dramatic changes. Start with small steps:

• Say no to a minor request that feels overwhelming.

• Set a time limit for how long you’re available to help someone.

• Pause before agreeing to anything new and ask yourself, “Do I really want this?”

 

Each time you honor your limits, you reinforce the message that your needs matter too.

 

3. Practice Assertive Communication

 

Assertiveness is about expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, without guilt or apology. Try these simple phrases:

• “I can’t take this on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

• “I need to prioritize some other things, so I’ll have to pass this time.”

 

Speaking up might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s a skill that grows with practice.

 

4. Embrace Discomfort

 

Saying no or setting boundaries can feel unsettling, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But discomfort is part of growth.

 

As The Courage to Be Disliked explains, “Life is not a competition to be ranked, but rather a journey to be lived.” Focus less on whether others approve of your choices and more on whether your choices align with your values and needs.

 

Final Thoughts: You’re Worth Prioritizing

 

Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about rejecting others—it’s about reconnecting with yourself. By learning to honor your needs and set boundaries, you create space for deeper, more authentic relationships.

 

But let’s be honest—change isn’t always easy. You might notice guilt creeping in as you start saying no or setting limits. That’s normal. Guilt often shows up when you challenge old patterns.

 

In my next blog, I’ll explore how to deal with the guilt trap that often comes with setting boundaries. Together, we’ll look at why guilt happens and how you can move through it without slipping back into people-pleasing.

 

If you’d like more personalized support, let’s talk! Together we’ll explore how to help you step out of people-pleasing and into a more confident, authentic version of yourself.

如何識別並擺脫討好型行為模式

你是否經常在想說「不」的時候卻還是說了「好」？也許你擔心讓別人失望，或者覺得維持和諧是你的責任。乍看之下，討好別人似乎是避免衝突的最簡單方法，但長期下來，它可能讓你感到筋疲力盡、不被看見，甚至與自己的需求脫節。

一開始，討好型行為可能會讓人覺得自己很善良，或者有助於維持人際關係的和諧。但隨著時間的推移，討好型行為對你的情感和身體健康會產生不利影響。正如 Sue Johnson 所說：「在不安全的關係中，我們掩蓋了自己的脆弱，導致對方無法真正看見我們。」 當你隱藏自己的真實需求和感受時，雖然能短暫避免不適，但你也失去了與他人和自己建立真實連結的機會。

如果這些情況對你來說很熟悉，那麼你並不孤單。擺脫討好型行為並不意味著變得自私；而是學會優先考慮自己的需求，重新找回屬於自己的價值感。讓我們來探討討好型行為的表現、其背後的原因，以及如何邁出改變的第一步。

討好型行為的表現

討好型行為可能比你想像的更隱秘，比如：

• 因害怕讓別人失望而對不想做的事情說「好」。

• 不惜一切避免衝突，即使這意味著壓抑自己的感受。

• 過度道歉或主動承擔責任來緩解不舒服的局面。

• 持續尋求別人的認同來感覺自己有價值或被接納。

• 忽略自己的需求，結果感到怨恨或身心俱疲。

這些情況是否讓你感到熟悉？識別這些模式是改變的第一步。

為什麼我們會陷入討好型行為

討好型行為通常源於對被拒絕的恐懼或對接納的深切渴望。也許你從小就覺得需要通過「乖巧」或「幫助他人」來贏得愛。或者，過去的經歷讓你認為優先考慮別人可以避免衝突或批評。

正如 Brené Brown 提醒我們的：「真正的歸屬感並不要求我們改變自己，而是要求我們成為自己。」 當我們試圖讓每個人都滿意時，我們往往會犧牲自己的真實性。

同樣，《被討厭的勇氣》的作者也分享了一個強有力的真相：「擁有幸福的勇氣也包含了被討厭的勇氣。」 優先考慮自己的幸福可能意味著面對別人的不滿，但這也為你創造了一個真正能茁壯成長的空間。

如何擺脫討好型行為

1. 明確自己的需求

如果你長期專注於他人，那麼了解自己的需求可能會很困難。試著問自己：

• 什麼樣的活動或關係能讓我感到充滿活力和滿足？

• 什麼樣的情況會讓我感到疲憊或心生怨懟？

• 如果我本週可以對一件事說「不」，那會是什麼？

正如《被討厭的勇氣》的作者提醒我們的：「你的人生不是為了滿足他人的期待，他人的人生也不是為了滿足你的期待。」 理解自己的需求是擺脫討好型行為的基礎。

2. 從小的界限開始

設置界限不需要意味著立刻做出劇烈的改變。從小事開始：

• 本週拒絕一個讓你感到負擔的請求。

• 為幫助他人設置一個時間限制，比如明確自己可以支持到什麼時候。

• 在答應新事情之前停下來問自己：「這真的是我想要的嗎？」

每一次尊重自己的界限，都會強化這樣的信息：你的需求同樣重要。

3. 練習清晰且尊重的溝通

表達你的需求不等於咄咄逼人，而是清晰且尊重地表達自己。試試以下簡單的短句：

• 「我現在無法接下這件事，但謝謝你想到我。」

• 「我需要優先處理其他事情，所以這次無法參與。」

一開始表達可能會感到不舒服，但這是一項隨著練習而增長的技能。

4. 接受不適感

對於習慣於討好他人的人來說，說「不」或設置界限可能會讓人感到不安。但不適感是成長的一部分。

正如《被討厭的勇氣》所說：「人生不是一場排名競賽，而是一段需要真實面對的旅程。」 與其關注別人是否認可你的選擇，不如問問這些選擇是否符合你的價值觀和需求。

結語：你值得被優先考慮

擺脫討好型行為並不是拒絕他人，而是重新與自己連結。通過學會尊重自己的需求並設置界限，你可以為更深層、更真誠的關係創造空間。

但讓我們坦誠一點——改變並不總是容易的。當你開始說「不」或設置界限時，你可能會注意到內疚感不斷湧現。這是正常的，因為當你挑戰舊有模式時，內疚感往往會出現。

在我的下一篇文章中，我將深入探討 如何應對設置界限後出現的內疚感陷阱。我們將一起探討為什麼內疚感會出現，以及如何避免因內疚而重回討好型行為的循環。

如果你需要更多個人化的支持，我很樂意與你合作。，我們可以一起探索如何幫助你擺脫討好型行為，成為更自信、更真實的自己。