If you’ve started saying no or setting boundaries, I want to start by saying—I’m so proud of you. It takes courage to step out of people-pleasing patterns and start prioritizing your own needs. But let’s be honest—change isn’t always smooth or easy.

 

Many of my clients share the same experience: “I feel so guilty every time I say no.” That guilt can feel heavy, pulling you back into old habits and leaving you wondering if setting boundaries was even the right thing to do.

 

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Guilt is incredibly common for people-pleasers because it’s rooted in fear—fear of disappointing others, being judged, or even losing relationships.

 

Here’s the truth: guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s often just a signal that you’re growing, stepping outside your comfort zone, and challenging patterns that no longer work for you.

 

As the authors of The Courage to Be Disliked remind us, “You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither are other people living to satisfy yours.” Letting go of people-pleasing means accepting that it’s okay for others to feel disappointed or disagree with your choices. You can care for others and honor your own needs—they’re not mutually exclusive.

 

Let’s explore why guilt shows up, how it holds you back, and how you can work through it without falling back into old patterns.

 

Why Guilt Feels So Overwhelming

 

For many of us, guilt comes from beliefs that were ingrained early on, like:

• “If I say no, I’m selfish.”

• “If I set a boundary, I’ll hurt someone.”

• “If I prioritize myself, they’ll stop liking me.”

 

These beliefs may have helped you in the past. For example, maybe prioritizing others kept the peace in your family or helped you avoid criticism. But now, these beliefs are keeping you stuck. Guilt has become a reflex every time you try to prioritize yourself.

 

Cultural or societal values can also play a role. Some cultures place a high value on selflessness, harmony, or obedience, making it even harder to set boundaries without feeling guilty.

 

But guilt doesn’t have to define your actions. Instead, it can be a sign that you’re stepping into something new and challenging old patterns.

 

How to Break Free from the Guilt Trap

 

1. Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always the Enemy

 

Guilt often shows up because you’re doing something unfamiliar, not because you’ve done something wrong. Think of it as your brain’s way of adjusting to change—it’s uncomfortable, but it’s not a sign that you should stop.

 

Ask yourself:

• “Does this guilt come from real harm I’ve caused, or is it just the discomfort of breaking an old habit?”

• “If my friend were in my situation, would I expect them to feel guilty?”

 

Reframing guilt as a sign of growth, not failure, helps you move through it without letting it control your decisions.

 

2. Reframe the Idea of Selfishness

 

A common barrier to overcoming guilt is the belief that taking care of yourself is selfish. But here’s the truth: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.

 

One client shared, “When I finally said no to something I couldn’t handle, I felt guilty at first. But later, I realized that by respecting my limits, I could show up better for the people who truly mattered to me.”

 

Here are some ways to reframe guilt-driven thoughts:

• Instead of “I’m being selfish,” try: “I’m setting limits so I can take care of myself and others.”

• Instead of “I don’t care about them if I say no,” try: “Prioritizing myself helps me be more present for the people I care about.”

 

As The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us, “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re rejecting others—it means you’re showing yourself the respect you deserve.

 

3. Start Small with Boundaries

 

If the thought of setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start small. It’s okay to take it one step at a time. For example:

• Say no to something that feels low-stakes, like declining an invitation when you’re too tired.

• If saying no feels too hard, try offering an alternative: “I can’t help with that right now, but maybe I can support you in another way.”

• Take time before agreeing to something new. Try saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.”

 

Each small step builds confidence. Over time, those small boundaries will make bigger ones feel easier.

 

4. Accept That Others Might Feel Disappointed

 

One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is dealing with other people’s reactions. You might worry about disappointing someone or being seen as selfish, and that guilt can make you second-guess yourself.

 

But here’s the thing: you’re not responsible for managing other people’s feelings. Their disappointment doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It simply means they’re adjusting to the new boundaries you’re setting.

 

As The Courage to Be Disliked explains, “A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.” Your worth isn’t based on others’ approval—it’s about whether your actions align with your values and meet your own needs.

 

5. Embrace Discomfort as Part of Growth

 

Growth is uncomfortable, and that’s okay. Setting boundaries can feel awkward, nerve-wracking, or even selfish at first, but those feelings are temporary.

 

A client once told me, “The first time I said no, I felt awful. But the more I did it, the more I realized that the people who truly cared about me respected my boundaries.”

 

Discomfort is a sign that you’re stepping into something new and brave. Over time, you’ll find it easier to stand by your boundaries without guilt weighing you down.

 

Final Thoughts: Guilt Is a Sign of Growth

 

If you feel guilty when you set boundaries, it doesn’t mean you’re selfish or unkind. It means you’re stepping out of old patterns and learning to prioritize yourself, maybe for the first time. That’s brave.

 

As The Courage to Be Disliked reminds us, “Life is not a competition to be ranked, but rather a journey to be lived.” Each step you take toward honoring your needs is a step toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.

 

If guilt is something you’re struggling with, let’s talk about it. Together we’ll explore how to move through guilt, set boundaries, and create relationships where you feel valued and seen.

如何應對討好型行為中的罪惡感陷阱

 

如果你已經開始學會說「不」或者設置界限，我想先為你鼓掌。走出討好型行為的模式，開始優先考慮自己的需求需要很大的勇氣。但是，讓我們坦誠一些——改變並不是總是一帆風順或輕而易舉的。

 

許多我的客戶都有類似的經歷：「每次我說『不』，我都感到非常內疚。」 這種內疚感就像一個沉重的負擔，將你拉回到舊有的習慣中，甚至讓你懷疑設置界限是否是正確的選擇。

 

聽起來是否熟悉？你並不孤單。內疚感對於討好型人格來說非常常見，因為它往往根植於恐懼——害怕讓別人失望、害怕被評判，甚至害怕失去關係。

 

事實是：內疚感並不代表你做錯了什麼。它通常只是成長的一個信號，提醒你正在走出舒適區，挑戰那些已經不再適合你的模式。

 

正如《被討厭的勇氣》的作者提醒我們的：「你的人生不是為了滿足他人的期待，他人的人生也不是為了滿足你的期待。」 擺脫討好型行為意味著接受一個事實——別人對你的選擇感到失望或不認同是可以的。你可以關心別人，同時也尊重自己的需求——這兩者並不衝突。

 

接下來，讓我們深入探討內疚感為什麼會出現，它如何限制你，以及如何有效地應對它，避免重回舊有模式。

 

為什麼內疚感如此強烈

 

對許多人來說，內疚感來自於根深蒂固的信念，比如：

• 「如果我說『不』，我就是自私的。」

• 「如果我設置界限，我會傷害到別人。」

• 「如果我優先考慮自己，他們可能就不會再喜歡我了。」

 

這些信念或許曾在過去幫助過你。例如，也許優先考慮他人能夠維持家庭和諧，或者幫助你避免批評。但現在，這些信念正讓你陷入困境。每當你試圖優先考慮自己時，內疚感就會成為一種自動的反應。

 

文化或社會價值觀也可能發揮作用。一些文化高度重視無私、和諧或服從，使得設置界限變得更加困難，並讓內疚感加劇。

 

然而，內疚感並不需要定義你的行為。相反，它可以被看作是你正在進入新領域並挑戰舊模式的信號。

 

如何擺脫內疚感陷阱

 

1. 認識到內疚並非敵人

 

內疚感的出現通常是因為你正在嘗試新的事物，而不是因為你做錯了什麼。將內疚感看作是大腦適應改變的方式——它讓人不舒服，但並不意味著你應該停止。

 

問問自己：

• 「這種內疚是因為我真的做錯了什麼，還是因為我正在打破舊有的習慣？」

• 「如果我的朋友處在我的情況下，我會希望他們感到內疚嗎？」

 

將內疚重新框定為一種成長的信號，而不是失敗的標誌，能幫助你更好地處理它，並不讓它控制你的決策。

 

2. 重新定義「自私」

 

一個常見的障礙是我們往往認為照顧自己是自私的。但事實是：照顧自己並不是自私——它是必要的。

 

一位客戶曾分享說：「當我終於對一件我無法處理的事情說『不』時，我一開始感到非常內疚。但後來，我意識到，尊重自己的界限讓我能更好地陪伴那些真正重要的人。」

 

以下是一些重新框定內疚驅動思維的方法：

• 將*「我很自私」替換為：「我設置界限是為了能更好地照顧自己和他人。」*

• 將*「如果我說『不』，就表示我不在乎他們」替換為：「優先考慮自己讓我能更好地陪伴那些我關心的人。」*

 

正如《被討厭的勇氣》提醒我們的：「擁有幸福的勇氣也包含了被討厭的勇氣。」 選擇尊重自己並不意味著你在拒絕他人——它意味著你在給自己應有的尊重。

 

3. 從小的界限開始

 

如果設置界限的想法讓你感到壓力太大，那麼從小事開始。沒關係，可以一步一步來。例如：

• 拒絕一件對你來說影響不大的事情，比如當你感到太累時婉拒一個邀請。

• 如果直接說「不」太難，可以試著提供另一種方式：「我現在無法幫忙，但也許可以用其他方式支持你。」

• 在答應新的承諾之前給自己一些時間。試著說：「讓我想一想，然後再回覆你。」

 

每一個小小的界限都能幫助你建立信心。隨著時間的推移，那些小的界限會讓更大的界限變得更加容易。

 

4. 接受別人可能會失望的事實

 

設置界限最困難的部分之一是應對他人的反應。你可能擔心讓某人失望，或者被視為自私，而這種內疚感可能會讓你懷疑自己的選擇。

 

但事實是：你並不需要為管理別人的感受負責。他們的失望並不意味著你做錯了什麼。這只是他們在適應你設置的新界限。

 

正如《被討厭的勇氣》所說：「健康的自卑感不是來自與他人的比較，而是來自與理想自我的比較。」 你的價值並不取決於他人的認可，而是取決於你的行為是否符合你的價值觀並滿足你的需求。

 

5. 接受不適感作為成長的一部分

 

成長通常伴隨著不適感，這是正常的。設置界限一開始可能會讓你感到尷尬、緊張，甚至覺得自私，但這些感受都是暫時的。

 

一位客戶曾告訴我：「第一次說『不』時，我感到很糟糕。但隨著我越來越多地這樣做，我意識到真正關心我的人會尊重我的界限。」

 

不適感是一個信號，表明你正在踏入新的領域並變得更加勇敢。隨著時間的推移，你會發現，堅守界限時，內疚感對你的影響會越來越小。

 

結語：內疚是成長的信號

 

如果你在設置界限時感到內疚，這並不意味著你自私或不友善。這表明你正在擺脫舊有的模式，學習優先考慮自己，或許這是你第一次這樣做。這很值得驕傲。

 

正如《被討厭的勇氣》提醒我們的：「人生不是一場排名競賽，而是一段需要真實面對的旅程。」 每一步優先考慮自己需求的嘗試，都是朝著更真實、更充實的生活邁進的一步。

 

如果你正在與內疚感作鬥爭，讓我們聊聊吧。我們可以一起探索如何處理內疚感，設置界限，並建立一種能讓你感到被珍視和被看見的關係。